Let's Play

Most afternoons I am ready to lose my mind by 3:00. Today Patrick was home and I decided to take Ezekiel out for a little alone time with Mama. We hadn't been by ourselves since Zipporah was born and I think we were both missing our time together without realizing it.

We did a quick return and purchase at Target and then headed for the Coldstone Creamery. On the way there I told Ezekiel how much I enjoyed being with him. He firmly said I did not. I thought he didn't understand me and I rephrased to tell him the same thing a different way. Again, he was emphatic that I did not. We repeated this once more and then I asked him if he thought I didn't enjoy him. Yep. That's what he meant. When I asked him why he thought that he said it was because he didn't obey me and I just said to obey. Ouch.

I recently finished 'How to Really Love Your Child' by Ross Campbell. The book is great and I especially appreciated many parts of it. But the part that sprang to mind was Campbell's insistence that discipline should only be one dimension of our relationship with our children and a small one at that. I whole-heartedly agreed with him and went down a mental check list of all the other ways Ezekiel and I relate. Self congratulated and kept reading.

I've always been careful to tell Ezekiel ahead of time what I expect of him and what will happen if he disobeys. I think its only fair for kids to know the boundaries ahead of time and the consequences of crossing the boundary so that they are empowered to make their own choices. I still think this is a pretty good technique but I think I've probably not been creating enough opportunities for him to play without the preliminary instructions.

At Chik fil A: Don't spit on the other children and make sure you come to me when I call or we will have to leave.
At the store: You can walk if you obey me and stay right with me. If you disobey, you'll have to ride in the cart.
At church: You can either listen to what your teacher tells you or can sit in church with us.
At the park: You must take turns with the toys and share or we will have to sit in timeout together.
At home: You can choose to clean up your toys or lose them.

You get the picture. I wonder if my efforts at clear communication, clear expectations, and clear choices has resulted in him just feeling threatened all the time or in him feeling like our relationship is built on very serious conversations about rules. I see Ezekiel trying to hard to obey and do things just right. He tries to understand what's going on around him and to see ways to help me without being asked. He is so good until he just snaps and then its like he loses the will to try and he does whatever he wants. I can tell he feels guilty for disobeying but he doesn't have the self control to do the right thing.

This parenting stuff is hard!

To continue the story of today, we went for ice cream. Ezekiel chose the blue ice cream with M&Ms and I chose a small cup of something considerably less colorful. We ate together and I made a point not to criticize or tell him the boundaries while I pondered our conversation. He told me he wanted to sit in a chair. To use napkins. To not make a mess. He said sorry each time he dripped. Asked politely if I could help him with the mess. Said thank you when I complied. We had a pleasant trip to the bathroom and an easy time loading up the car.

At the park I ran around, chased, tickled, tagged, rode the slide, and generally acted like an energetic kid with him. We took turns leading the way. 'You better run or I'm gonna get you.' 'Ride the slide with me Mom.' So on and so forth. No one told anyone how to behave or what the rules were. We just played together and had a blast. At dinner I told him again how much I enjoyed hanging out with him today and he smiled and nodded and said 'yeah.' Phew. I'm so glad he seemed to believe me this time!

So that was the long way of saying that I feel pretty convicted about trying to manage too much. Not every activity needs a rule sheet. And I need to create a lot more activities where Ezekiel leads and I follow and where we can just enjoy each other without a recitation of all the things he must do or not do. Campbell talks about the vital importance of a kid knowing he is unconditionally loved and accepted through things like eye contact, physical touch, and quality time together. He says that discipline shouldn't be attempted if those things aren't in place. Today I realized that I need to keep better tabs on myself and not slip into the mode of letting discipline and behavior expectations be the primary way we relate.

Geez! He's only just turned three and I think I've already screwed him up.

I also think I need to go to the park more often during the long afternoons. Its been so cold here that I've been hesitant to take Zipporah out. I'm not sure how I'll run around and chase Zeke with Zippy in tow but I'm sure I'll find a way. I'm sure that the time playing together will keep my energy levels higher, build good memories between me and Zeke, and keep us from being destructive with mutual bad behavior at home. Hopefully I can think of other ways for us to play and build up the unconditional love and acceptance part of our relationship.